What are toxic relationships, and what makes them so hard to leave?

Are you in a toxic relationship? These steps can help you leave.

Key Points:

• Toxic relationship behaviors often include criticism, control, possessiveness, and isolation.
• We often see patterns of “high highs and low lows,” which is why toxic bonds can feel confusing and addictive.
• Toxic relationships tend to lead to low self-worth, stress, and other mental health issues.
• Toxic relationships can create a vicious cycle that keeps us trapped, until we take clear action to leave.
• Toxic relationships are hard to leave and can damage self-worth, mental health, and well-being.
• Going no-contact with an ex can be an essential step in ending a toxic relationship.
• Getting support through therapy can help you heal and reclaim your sense of self.

Reclaim Your Joy: Why Toxic Relationships Are So Damaging, and How to Walk Away

Recently, a confused and exhausted patient asked:

“How do I know if I’m in a toxic relationship? Sometimes, I feel so happy and connected, and other times, I feel absolutely worthless. The highs are so amazing, but the lows are crushing.”

The Ups and Downs of Toxic Relationships

Identifying whether you are in a toxic relationship can be challenging because most relationships, even toxic ones, are not awful all the time. In fact, they can feel amazing. We often see a pattern of “high highs and low lows.”

In between toxic behaviors, relationship partners may show appealing behaviors like apologies, renewed efforts to reconcile and connect, and increased fun, excitement, or sexual intimacy. One thing that makes toxic relationships especially challenging is that these positive behaviors typically happen on an intermittent reinforcement schedule, so continuing involvement for the chance of validation or attention can be addicting—just like gambling. 

Toxic behaviors also build over time. A partner who seemed absolutely charming initially may slowly become more critical, controlling, and possessive. One of the first behaviors you may notice is an effort to isolate you from friends and family. This can happen in subtle ways, such as simply “not fitting in with” your friends or expressing loneliness when you spend time with other people. Isolation makes you increasingly dependent and cuts off your support network, making it challenging to spend time apart or leave the relationship. 

Possessiveness and jealousy can grow and lead to constant monitoring, controlling behaviors, accusations, and suffocation. Toxic partners often use manipulation or guilt and shame to get what they want. More damaging behaviors, such as lying, cheating, and dismissing your feelings, may arise. At the extreme, a toxic partner may intentionally gaslight and manipulate your perception of reality, leading to confusion and doubt and taking away your ability to call them out on their unhealthy and cruel behaviors. 

Our patient shared:

“I don’t actually know what is real. He says he loves me, and we have so much fun together, but I just don’t feel emotionally safe. I’m always on edge. I’m constantly checking his location, and his friends tell me he is with other women. When I ask, he reassures me, and I feel crazy. Then we scream, say awful things, and makeup, and the pattern continues.”

How Toxic Relationships Damage You From the Inside Out

What makes these relationships toxic is that they poison us from the inside out. Being on the receiving end of toxic behaviors can lead to significant loss of self-worth and confidence, as well as mental health issues. Chronic stress and emotional abuse can lead to anxiety and depression.

The experiences in a toxic relationship can result in symptoms that are very similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including intrusive thoughts and memories, nightmares, and hypervigilance. When a romantic partner is repeatedly dishonest, our worldview (i.e., the way we view ourselves, others, and the world) can fundamentally shift, which is a hallmark of traumatic experiences. This can feel particularly destabilizing and can result in us questioning our reality more broadly.

One of the most confusing aspects of toxic relationships is that, often, partners on the receiving end of toxic relationships will start to behave in ways that also seem problematic. In response to a partner’s repeated lies, someone may start to become controlling and jealous, such as demanding to check a partner’s phone. Anger and even verbal aggression can be common among partners who are consistently dismissed, invalidated, and gaslit. 

Many people in toxic relationships say they don’t recognize themselves and they feel crazy, and they can start to blame themselves for the toxicity in the relationship—in fact, it’s common for us to hear from our clients who were victims of toxic partners that they have sought out anger management or other individual therapy, while their partners have taken no responsibility. This confusion and emotional turmoil can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion, making it difficult to function in daily life.

Why Toxic Relationships Are So Hard to Leave

If we know toxic relationships are so damaging, why do we stay? First, ending any relationship is challenging. We create an attachment bond with our relationship partners and can feel emotional and physical distress when we are separated—and this is true even when partners are abusive.

People who enter into toxic relationships are also more likely to have anxious attachment styles or to develop insecure attachments. So, there is often a fear of being alone and not being able to find another partner, particularly when self-esteem has been eroded. If you do decide to leave, the toxic partner may use manipulation, guilt, and threats to keep you from leaving, or they may begin suddenly acting in all the ways you have always wanted with loving messages, physical touch, and presence for a period of time. 

So what do you do? Although toxic relationships can be damaging and very hard to leave, it’s not hopeless. By getting support and investing in your healing, you can leave a toxic situation and rebuild your self-worth and self-love. 

Acknowledge That the Relationship Is Toxic

Similar to ending an addiction, in order to leave a toxic relationship, we must first acknowledge that there is a problem. Recognize and accept that the relationship is harmful. You may have to do this numerous times: Most of us think that this is something that could never happen to us, so it can be hard to come to terms with reality. Further, the highs and lows of the abuse cycle can keep us hopeful that our partner will change, and that we just need to stick it out, keep trying, and be patient. Unfortunately, the reality is that toxic patterns are unlikely to change as a relationship continues. If change is going to happen, it will happen when each person heals and grows individually. Leaving the relationship is often the only way that can occur—for either partner.

Go No-Contact

You will likely need to cut off contact for some period of time. When we've formed an attachment bond, it can often be easy to be pulled back into a dysfunctional cycle. Bonded to this person, your brain and body may tell you that you miss them and should be with them again. Don’t believe it. This is one time when you know better than your biology. Having no contact with an ex-partner allows you time to heal, regulate, and love yourself. You will likely find that you feel more peaceful and in control with a few weeks of no contact.

Get Support

Finally, seek support. It is okay if you pulled away from your friends during the relationship. Reach back out now. Some will be there, and they will love you and support you. We also strongly recommend getting help from a therapist. Your friends and family may not have the expertise to support you through all aspects of leaving a toxic relationship, no matter how much they want to help. With a therapist, you can create a detailed plan for leaving, including logistics, finances, and places for emotional support. When are you most likely to fall back into the pattern – 7pm on a Tuesday when you are sad and alone? Schedule a yoga class. Set yourself up for success! Prioritize loving yourself. What does self love mean for you? Focus on activities and practices that rebuild your self-esteem and mental health.