Forgiveness offers a path to healing and connection.

Key points

• Forgiveness is for you: It’s about releasing pain for your own peace.
• Forgiveness is ongoing: It’s a continuous process; we may need to forgive over and over to heal.
• Self-forgiveness is crucial: We cannot connect and love with self-blame and shame.

The Power of Forgiveness in Our Intimate Relationships

Forgiveness is a topic that comes up frequently in our traditional couple therapy and psychedelic-assisted couple therapy sessions. It’s something that many of us strive for, but it can often feel elusive or difficult to achieve. Over the years, we’ve heard countless people express the intention to forgive, only to struggle with the emotional roadblocks that prevent them from truly letting go.

First, let’s define forgiveness. Forgiveness is the decision to release attachment to a painful past. It’s not about forgetting what happened or excusing harmful behavior. It’s not about erasing the hurt or pretending it didn’t exist. In fact, not forgiving is often our brain's way of trying to protect us. Our minds tell us that if we hold onto anger, resentment, or distance, we’ll be safe from further hurt. But we know that this isn’t true. While holding on to memories and creating distance may offer temporary emotional protection, it often deepens our sadness, isolates us, and prevents us from healing.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is about freeing yourself from the emotional chains that bind you to past pain. It’s not about saying that what happened was OK. It’s about choosing not to let that pain continue to define your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Forgiveness Is for You, Not Them

One of the most powerful things about forgiveness is that it’s for you, not the person who hurt you. You don’t have to communicate with the person who wronged you. In fact, you can forgive people who have passed away or individuals with whom you’ve lost contact.

Forgiveness is about your own emotional freedom. It’s a gift you give yourself to move forward without the weight of anger or resentment. You can choose to tell the person you’ve forgiven them, but you don’t have to. It’s the internal decision to release the grip that past wounds have on your present and future.

But it's not always easy. Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. It’s a continuous process. Our minds are tricky, and thoughts of hurt and anger often creep back in. That means we may need to forgive not just once, but over and over again.

Why Forgiveness Matters

Forgiveness is essential because we’re all human, and we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. If we want to cultivate meaningful relationships, there will inevitably be times when we hurt one another. Forgiveness becomes crucial in maintaining those connections and our own peace of mind. In fact, we may need to forgive not only others but ourselves as well.

Forgiving yourself is especially important. Building walls of resentment or anger toward yourself is deeply damaging. When you hold on to shame or guilt, you create emotional barriers that prevent you from living fully and authentically. Choosing self-compassion and forgiveness can be one of the most powerful acts of healing.

A Path Toward Forgiveness

So, how do we forgive? While the journey is deeply personal and can vary from person to person, there are key steps that can help guide us:

• Awareness: Acknowledge the hurt and pain exactly as it is, without judgment or adding unnecessary suffering.
• Observer perspective: Recognize that everyone is flawed and that we all have our own unique life histories. This perspective allows us to see others (and ourselves) as imperfect humans doing the best they can with what they have.
• Compassionate witness: Extend compassion to yourself and others. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning behavior, but it’s about releasing the grip of anger and resentment.
• Letting go and moving on: Choose to release resentment and move forward in alignment with your values. Let forgiveness guide you toward healing and peace.

How Psychedelic Therapy Can Support Forgiveness

Psychedelic therapy can play an important role in fostering the conditions needed for forgiveness. It can create an environment that deepens empathy and cultivates compassion. With psychedelics, we become more flexible in our thoughts and emotions, allowing us to release long-held pain.

We recently worked with a woman who had served in the military and had participated in acts that caused her deep shame and sadness. This shame manifested as anger, which, in turn, created conflict and distance in her romantic relationship and strained her connections with her family. She carried resentment toward herself and others.

Through a psychedelic therapy session, she began to soften. Her heart opened, and she revisited the pain she had caused and experienced. She described creating a “love bubble” around herself and others, feeling compassion, and realizing that forgiveness was the antidote to both her anger and shame. With this realization, she sweetly shared, “We can choose to forgive, and no one can stop us!”

She began the process of forgiving herself and others. In considering her partner, she expressed a desire to talk with him about forgiveness, expressing her understanding of the pain she had caused and asking for his forgiveness, too. She shared, “He doesn’t have to forgive me, but I can forgive him, and I can forgive myself. I will love him even if he chooses not to forgive me.”

When we asked her what forgiveness felt like, she described it as a “warm river flowing through your body.” She said the warmth started at the top of her head, gently surrounding her painful thoughts, then moved through her chest and heart, embracing her shame and sadness. It flowed through her stomach, down her legs, and out through her feet. She felt waves of love replacing the pain. Her love and forgiveness transformed her shame and anger.

Final Thoughts

Forgiveness is a gift of healing for yourself. While it may not always be easy or immediate, forgiveness has the power to soften our hearts, heal wounds, and restore peace. Forgiveness is an essential part of building deep, meaningful connections—starting with the relationship we have with ourselves.

Remember, forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing practice. But every time you choose forgiveness, you create space for love and healing to flow through your life.